My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
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Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]