This why you should mind your business
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OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.