*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.