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My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.