Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
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[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.