[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
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Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
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Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.