[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
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In Russia, Pokemon find you.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
when someone rings the doorbell
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Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
#parenting
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My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
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*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.