As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
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Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.