waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
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Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked