If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
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If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️