When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
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Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
yeet
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Can’t stop laughing
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.