I have written yet another poem about laundry
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Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…