Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
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Otters drive ottermobiles.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
*exercises sarcastically*
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.