*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
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(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
when u come home smelling like another dog
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
water it, i dare you
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.