righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
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The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.