Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
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Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Tier 3 meme
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars