Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
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Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
See..?
.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
only 11 steps left
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”