Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.