[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
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If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits