Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
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Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I already tried new things thanks.
Many hands make light work
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
and this one
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion