friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
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Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves![]()
Hello Twits.
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My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”![]()
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.