friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
You Might Also Like
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
It’s an epidemic…
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
john wicks are toilet candles
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.