“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

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ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything


Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.


Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different


Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo


*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.


Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.


I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.


kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi


You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it