@Pulse_NYC
@ArfMeasures ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
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@ArfMeasures 
@BobGolen Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
@heidi420x Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
@onion_an Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
@TYrannosaurus *sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
@BobGolen Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
@IDontSpeakWhine I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
@OllyiConic kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
@ThatEricAlper 
@LipLush1 You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it