“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
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Always the barmaid, never the bar.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Phonetics
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.