The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
You Might Also Like
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.