tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
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Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Phones down.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick