when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
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It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
a god among men
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
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If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.