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There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Nothing to do, you say?
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
are there any atheist mantises?