if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
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Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach