If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
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People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
just witnessed a drug deal
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.