I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
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Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go