Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
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Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?