Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
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[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
calling in to work dehydrated
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
San Francisco has too many rules