I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
![]()
You Might Also Like
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
![]()
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho