If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
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5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
You’re the water to my grease fire.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
😜
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.