Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
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her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST