girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
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(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.