Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
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Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.