Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
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I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket