Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
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Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
584.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜