Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
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911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My safe word is Worcestershire
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Why am I like this?
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
This one’s “Alex”.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve