My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
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Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric