I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
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When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.