I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
You Might Also Like
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.