Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
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I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?