CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
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Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Saturday
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.