The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
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Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[mind reader club]
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake