The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
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longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today