Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
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Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team