The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
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Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
water it, i dare you
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Sing it!
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.