To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
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I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!