a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
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UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.