I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.


Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme


“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda


When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.


Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?


[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts


When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.


ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*


Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.


Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*