I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
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detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I beg your pardon?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Who’s your best friend?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”