Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
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podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
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her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE