crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
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The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.